


Chaining Cigarettes

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Awkwardness, Confusion, Cute, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Kissing, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Sexual Confusion, Sexuality, Shyness, Smoking, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:39:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: Mark gets dragged to his friend’s party and it’s the last place he wants to be, until that same night sparks a fire in his heart.(Basically, Mark is so fucking shy and awkward and adorable, and Shane needs a hug.)





	Chaining Cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I have no idea what this is, really. But I started writing this when I was going through a bit of a rough patch with my own sexuality and it certainly felt nice getting the thoughts out. I saw a lot of myself in Shane’s character in this story, so I’m uploading it, just in case anyone else is going through similar things and can gain even a little sense of comfort. You’re all amazing.
> 
> LOVE IS LOVE and fuck anyone else trying to put you down for it ♡

Urgh, Mark could easily think of twenty other places he’d rather be than here. Squashed up on the balcony, trying to admire the stars with a bunch of drunk dancing idiots inside the house that he was invited to. He didn’t want to come in the first place. But it was his best friend’s party who had a much wilder personality than him. He would have much preferred to be at home reading a book, but he was sure Kian was going to knee him in the back tomorrow at school if he dogged the party.

So here he was. At least the stars were pretty, consumed by a tranquil silence.

“Hey,” a voice called him and tapped him on the shoulder. Mark tried not to roll his eyes as he turned around. “You have a light?”

“Sorry?”

“D’you have a light?”

“Um. No.” Mark wanted to go _home_. The smell of liquor from this boy shooting up his nose didn’t help either.

“It’s fine. I’ll use mine.” Clumsy hands patted down his pockets, fished out a lighter and lit up. Stumbling over to lean on the railing beside him, the boy took a long drag, blew it back out and misted the night sky. “What’s your name? I’m Shane.”

“Mark.” Great. Now he was trying to start a conversation. All Mark could think about was his bed.

“Nice to meet you.” Mark smiled back politely. “You’re in Kian’s year, yeah?”

He just nodded back and munched on a bowl of chips that Kian had shoved into his hands. Too good of a batch to put out for the party, he had said, but Mark supposed it was more a bribe to keep him there than anything else.

“Think I’ve seen you around at school.” Another drag. Mark tried not to cough. “So why are you out here by yourself?”

Mark shrugged. “Dunno. Parties aren’t really my thing. Everyone’s just drunk and wobbling like bowling pins and hoping they fall onto some girl’s boobs.”

Shane chuckled. A nice little noise that made Mark feel comfortable somehow. “I guess that’s a way to put it. Not a fan of boobs?”

“Um, I don’t… I don’t know.” Mark looked back up at the sky. Could sense Shane still staring at him. He wished he wasn’t. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t really know if he was a fan or not, or if he was a fan of something entirely different that could potentially change his life. He wished he was a fan as much as Kian was, but he just wasn’t for whatever reason. The more he thought about it, the more overwhelming it got. So he stopped thinking about it, and this wasn’t helping at all. “They’re alright, I suppose.”

Mark saw a cloud of smoke from the corner of his eyes. Wanted to see the lips that blew them instead and figure out why they were talking to the loser of the party.

“I suppose,” Shane echoed, and a silence followed. He stole glances at Mark who was refusing to look at him, chubby fingers aimlessly swimming away in a plate of potato. “You gonna eat those?”

“Oh,” a bashful gleam took over his face as he looked down, “not really. You want some?”

“After you’ve touched all of them?”

Shane held back a laugh when a slight blush inked Mark’s cheeks. “Sorry, I-“

“I’m joking. I’ll take some.” He took a quick final puff before stubbing out the cigarette and grabbing a few chips. “They’re nice.”

“Yeah. They are.” Mark finally looked at him. He wished he hadn’t.

“Well, hello. How noble of you to look at me for once. You have nice eyes.” Shane smiled; serene and kind and sparking a small fire in the pit of his stomach. Words didn’t come to his head. Mark stuttered syllables of nonsense and looked away again. Heard a sweet melody of laughter hit him. “You’re really shy, aren’t you?”

Mark just smiled and stuffed his mouth with more chips so he would have an excuse to not talk.

“You remind me of my ex. I don’t know why. You don’t look alike at all, but you do for some reason. Um,” Shane let out an awkward chuckle when Mark managed to meet his gaze again. “Anyways. Sorry if that was weird. I’m kinda drunk and my judgement’s a bit fucked. It’s a compliment though. He was really sweet and pretty.”

“He?”

“Yeah. He.” There was a momentary dimming in Shane’s eyes that Mark didn’t know how to label. Self-conscious, maybe. A bit of anxiety. All he knew was that he got it. “Are you going to run away from me now?”

“Oh. No. No, I just… I’ve never met a… you know.”

“A gay person?” Mark nodded. Felt his throat dry like Sahara when Shane frowned defensively. Shit. Um. “It’s not a bad word, you know. You can say it. That’s fucking offensive.”

“Oh.” His mouth opened but words didn’t seem to run out fast enough. God, this was the worst. Mark wanted to kick himself. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I-“

Shane suddenly broke off into a gentle laugh. Even more when Mark looked like a deer in headlights. “Ah, I’m only messing with ya. But seriously, it’s not a bad word. Do you think it’s a bad word?”

“No. Not at all. It’s…” Himself, too. Maybe. Probably. Mark swallowed hard. “It’s fine.”

“Cheers.” That cheeky little smile again. Mark found himself smiling back and listening to the fire in his stomach that managed to swell up to his heart. “Well, I should probably get back in there. You gonna stay out here?” He nodded. “Alright. Sorry if I was like, interrupting, by the way. You just looked pretty sad out here by yourself. Or pretty and sad.”

Mark almost choked. His throat didn’t ease up at all when Shane tried to break the atmosphere with a clumsy laugh.

“Sorry, that probably wasn’t okay. You’re not gay. I’m still tipsy. I’m flirting.”

“Oh. No. Um.” Mark screwed his head on straight before he started babbling like an idiot again. “It’s okay.”

“Alright, well, I’m gonna let you be. I’ll see you around, Mark.” Shane patted his shoulders and winked before disappearing inside.

The breeze felt like ice on Mark’s cheeks.

***

_“I’m flirting.”_

Mark smiled stupidly in bed. He had gone home not long after Shane went back to the party. He nicked the plate of chips and snacked on them on the way home. Just something to focus on without falling apart in public, thinking about tingly words that were crooned to him.

When his parents asked him how Kian’s party was, he mumbled something about good food and went upstairs, jumped in bed, repeated words that circled his heart and hurt it at the same time.

Shane was flirting with him, apparently.

Flirting. With him.

He bit down on a restrained smile and covered his head underneath blankets.

This felt… okay. Definitely more comforting than trying to wrack his brain about why he always felt different, why there was something about himself that didn’t really make sense in the way the other kids did. It felt wrong, almost. The little flutter in his heart. The messages those flutters were sending to his mind. The flutters that he had spent years hiding, in a place where the clouds covered his eyes and made everyone else seem like little spots of sunshine, while he was in the back, far away, a black puddle just wanting to join in and lighten up.

But when he associated it with those hazel eyes and a calm smile, it didn’t feel black at all. How could something that felt so nice be wrong?

_Tick._ The sound cut his train of thought. Mark opened his eyes. Closed it again in the silence.

_Tick,_ it went again. With a frown he sat up, then _tick,_ saw a shadow flash on his window. When he went up to it, he couldn’t tell if this was a dream. This didn’t make sense. His heart was caught in his throat when he stuck his head out.

“Shane?”

“Yeah. Hey.” Shane dropped the pebbles in his hands.

“Hi. Uh. What are you doing here? It’s one in the morning.”

“Sorry, I… I don’t actually know. I just wanted to see you. Do you want me to go?”

Something in Mark’s heart broke when he heard Shane’s weak tone. The confident boy he talked to at the party just hours ago was nowhere to be found in that tone, in those drooped eyes that stared up at him like a starving puppy.

“No,” Mark replied. “Um… hang on. Just… just give me a minute.” Mark quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and the first clean shirt he could find before returning to the window. Jesus. His parents would kill him if they found out. He shouldn’t be doing this. But seeing Shane out there, his leg was already out the frame.

“Do you need some help?”

He huffed out another quick ‘no’ and climbed down, his heart pounding the whole time and telling him that this was a _horrible_ idea.

When he hopped off and was close enough to see Shane properly, he noticed his left cheek was much redder than the right. Faint finger marks along fragile skin. The same heart that was telling him to go back inside the house was slowly breaking. Mark didn’t know if it was okay to ask about it. They barely knew each other.

“So uh, hi.” Shane’s lips quirked up in an awkward smile. Mark returned it.

“Hi. How’d you find out where I live?”

“May have asked Kian. Sorry.” Mark shrugged and mumbled something that sounded like _it’s alright_ but wanted it to sound like _I’m glad you came_. “If this is weird, sorry. Again. I just…” A sigh sagged Shane’s previously rigid shoulders and all Mark wanted was to give him a hug. “I had a shit day. I wanted to feel good for once. Then I thought of you and, well, you weren’t a shit part of my day so… here I am.”

Mark pursed his lips and nodded. He couldn’t look away from the cracked pupils with the life of him. And he certainly couldn’t ignore the identical flutters of his heart when a careful smile reached out to him.

“You’re getting good at the looking at me thing. Impressive.”

Mark pulled up all his might to not look away in this moment. “It’s not as frightening anymore.”

Shane displayed a proud smile, a little ray of sunshine through the vulnerability. “Do you wanna go for a walk? If you’re okay with that. I could definitely cool off for a bit.”

“Um,” Mark looked down at his watch. 1:14 AM. He shouldn’t be going for a walk. “Okay. Yeah. Not for too long though.”

“No worries.” Shane led the way, slow steps being dragged across the pavement. He almost looked like he didn’t even have the energy to walk. Mark held back a sigh, along with a hundred questions. “Mind if I smoke?”

“No. Go for it.” And Shane lit up, his shoulders relaxing with every intake. Every inhale, every exhale was aching through the air, and Mark just wanted to _know_ what was wrong. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just…” Another exhausting exhale. Mark felt like he himself was breathing in every strand of that pain through the wafting smoke. And he would gladly take it. Sure, he barely knew this boy, but his palpitating heart was louder than rational thoughts. “Family stuff.”

“Oh,” Mark nodded, “I’m sorry.”

Shane hummed a response, those lips housing a loosely-bit cigarette and not really up for thinking of more words to say. They walked in silence for a bit. Mark would take occasional side glances, wondering if he was supposed to say something.

But every time he looked over, an edge of his heart would rip in the way Shane just looked like he needed a good cry with a good hug, in the way Shane still kindly blew out his smoke in the other direction, in the way Shane’s eyes were tracing the concrete beneath their feet. This just wasn’t the Shane that he had encountered on Kian’s balcony. Mark couldn’t wrap his head around it.

When they reached a park bench, Shane plonked down on it, stubbed out his cigarette, and lit another one. He was chaining, but Shane couldn’t care less by this stage. It was a nice release. It felt nicer when Mark sat beside him.

“Sorry. I don’t mean to ruin your night.”

“You’re not running it. I promise.” Shane murmured a quick ‘thanks’ and blankly fogged the air. Mark wondered if now was an okay time to ask. It felt like the red cheek was glaring at him to not ask, but his mind shouted another opinion. He chewed on careful words before opening his mouth. “Can I ask about the um,” Mark gestured around his face, “if you don’t mind. You can say no.”

“It’s fine. Me dad.” Shane shook his head and scoffed; a blue puff of air, flicking off a few specs of ashes. “I’m their gay kid who sucks at study. I’m barely the favourite to begin with. I got home after Kian’s thing and he was like _you’re drinking again, you’ve been smoking, it’s your leaving cert soon_ and blah blah blah. I was just so sick of it.”

Mark stayed quiet and listened. Felt words of venom being caught at his throat.

“It was my fault though, I guess. I told him I was at my boyfriend’s place and we got drunk.” Shane looked up at the stars and sighed. “I don’t even have a fucking boyfriend.”

“Then why did you tell him that?”

“I don’t know,” Shane felt a bit comforted by the smoke filling his lungs, then watching it come back out was like a hug. “Out of spite, I guess. I knew it’d make his blood boil. I just wanted to piss him off.”

“Right. So is that when he…”

“Yeah,” his hand came up to cup his own cheek. He could still feel the sting, like a permanent stain that would purple his heart every time he thought about it, along with the previous stains. “It’s fine. It’s just dad.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“I know.” Another drag, but Mark felt like the smoke was alive this time. Carrying out the tar of Shane’s soul with arduous attempts to whiten it. How much tar there was, Mark didn’t know. He wanted to know more than anything. He wanted to help. “But it’s alright. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“I wish there was something I could do.”

Shane looked over at him with a warm smile, and Mark really didn’t want to look away this time. Not at all. Not with his chest overflowing with the beats that it couldn’t keep up with. “Believe me; you being here right now is enough.”

All Mark could do was smile back instead of offering words of comfort. He didn’t know what to say. What he _could_ say in this situation. Because if he started talking, he wasn’t so sure it was going to be pretty as long as he was thinking about how painful the slap must have been on precious skin, how hurtful it would have been on Shane’s sweetest of hearts.

Shane watched his cigarette being stubbed out for a second before he drew his gaze back to Mark’s. A little deeper. A littler darker. Mark didn’t know what it was, but the way Shane looked at him felt different.

“Listen, can I ask you a question?” Shane lilted.

“Sure.”

“And promise me you won’t run?”

“I promise I won’t run.”

“Okay, well. Here goes. Just…”

Shane bit down on his lips and seemed to hesitate, looked as if he was near tears. Then a silent second passed. Then the world slowed down when Shane leaned in. The breeze felt warmer. Gentler. Less leaves scurried at their feet. Soft lips hugged his. Mark kissed back. Wiggled his lips a bit. He hoped he was doing it right. He had never kissed anyone before.

And this… this was nice. Better than anything he had imagined for himself. The way considerate fingers trailed up to his nape. The way Shane tasted like sugar and cigarettes. The way Shane’s lips were feeling his, the way his heart was melting to the slow rhythm of this whole thing. The way he already missed Shane when he started to pull away.

“Was that okay?” Shane whispered.

Mark licked his lips. Stroked them damp and knocked a thought into his head. This was real, as magical as it felt. “I… Yeah. Yeah, that was okay.”

Shane smirked. A bright and confident glint returned to those eyes. _That_. That was what Mark liked. “I’m glad. I’ve wanted to do that the moment I saw you. When you were _pretty and sad_ on the balcony.”

Mark bit down on a bashful grin, looked into a gaze that felt warmer than a Spring day.

“Gonna go shy on me again?” The same gaze brightened even more when his eyes danced along to the beat of his chuckle and Mark felt his soul conform to it. But it went off on its own when Shane’s hand reached for his. The same fingers that were just on his nape were slithering in between, but Mark didn’t squeeze back. He swallowed hard.

Then Shane started to lean in again, pink lips that suddenly seemed too big in Mark’s gaze. He flinched away.

“Sorry, I don’t…” Mark didn’t know how to finish the sentence. All he knew was that black ink was shot in his brain, clouding everything again in seconds, and this just didn’t feel okay, no matter how much his heart wanted it.

“What’s wrong?” Shane studied him in concern.

“I’m… not sure I’m ready for this. I don’t even know what I really am yet. I feel like it’s not fair to you.”

“Oh,” Shane pulled back slowly, the corners of his eyes softened. “Okay. I understand.” That half-crestfallen, kind smile; Mark wanted to force himself to be ready just for that. But he was still locked in a cage, even though Shane felt like the key.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“No, it’s fine. Really. I’ve been there. I know what it feels like. Take your time.” Shane was still holding tight, fingers mapping out his hand, the same kind smile not knowing to lose itself.

Mark squeezed back when his mind told him it was okay to do that. Heard Shane snort into a wider smile. The following silence felt like a small oasis; a small pool of comfort around their ankles. A chance for Mark’s mind to clear as he ran his thumb over the top of Shane’s hand. A chance for Shane to gather his thoughts and calm his momentary disappointment, to let hope flood over it instead.

“Do you believe in fate?” Shane spoke up and Mark looked at him, a bemused raise of his eyebrows.

“Fate?”

“Yeah. Fate.”

“I do.”

“Okay. Well,” a rose bloomed on Shane’s cheek as he nodded, “that’s enough, then. Want me to walk you home?” Shane asked before Mark could respond. Before he could ask Shane to maybe wait for him, to hold onto his belief in fate for just a little longer.

He nodded in the end, and fell into a slow-paced series of footsteps, a warm palm still blessing his.


End file.
